Wave that dayum cookie in front of me...one more time...!!

So I am ready to snap...for some reason ppl think its funny to poke fun at the diet especially in the week before I am to compete....now it was funny before however not in the mood for BS.... today it came to fruition...I snapped on a co worker and dont feel regret...because a) they thought the shit was cute and b) who does that... thats like putting raw meat in front of a rotweiler or pitbull..."awww so cute" until he bites yo ass...then who gonna have some issues!!

Just finished cardio and eating food...hate staying up late to do it.... but it has to be done...two days of workouts then we just wait it out...you know what else...when you gotta drink 2 gallons of water of day...you think "oh this is easy..." fukk...i dayum near feel sick trying well finishing it before bed....... guess that shows how hydrated I was before...I bought 2 gallon jugs for each day to make sure I stay on point... but I am feeling the pain...

Having trouble remebering simple stuff.... at work feeling like a retard sometimes... but my mind is just gone......

not much to report just moody as hell....I want a cookie... and to go to bed... both at the same time...Sunday cant come soon enough...I hope i make it through...

Always room for improvement....

One thing I am learning is that we always have room to improve....meeting a goal does not necessarily mean you are an "expert" it means you have personal gratification in whatever you set to achieve...there are times when I have to remind myself that I am not a professional, i have only been doing this about four months and I have not reached the maximum of my capabilites.....

For example....i get so frustrated when I am exhausted and cant lift the weight....like I go down to 5 lb DB, i feel like I shouldnt have to do that...but what difference does it make really? I dunno....not a whole lot but I critique myself alot more... but critique only brings on self doubt...pity....anger whatever...and since this is the week of the show this Sunday, there really is no time for any of that BS.... but I just was thinking about this today.... pushing myself to the limit and sometimes not being able to or thinking I am not able too deters me from what I came to do...

It is part of the growing process, cant say I dont strive to perfection... but it makes things alot harder when you are harder on yourself then anybody else...

thats my speel.......I am so tired...throughout the day I just hit walls and feel like laying in a corner and sleeping....Im going to try to make it an early night we shall see....

Weigh 128 today, feeling like a feather and shit....and probably will go down farther...GAH.... i feel so small...really small...like tinkerbell small...

Decided I am rocking a short wig for the show so easy, the long hair was too much I just got irritated by...we shall see how it goes but in the meantime, I will write again tommorow...

Cant wait to have some mcdonalds fries and some cheesecake...baby jesus so close

Going into Peak week......

Morning/Evening yall,

this morning practice with DJ then to Zoa for dress rehearsal, sore as hell from yesterday with arm and shoulders then end with some insanity cardio with hubby "yelling" at me to get my legs up and if i wanna win...etc etc... good motivator because i was very tired and had to get it done.

Things are coming together..... next Sunday I will be doing my thing on stage... so this week is so crucial....and hopefully my period doesnt rear its ugly head just yet...if not bring it on.. gotta deal with it and at least I will know how..instead of freaking out.... I have my gorgeous wig and the green bottoms came through..set to try those today and see if green works...and hired a makeup artist for Sunday from one of my favority spa shops on Okinawa... and I consider her a great friend as well... She does this awesome airbrush makeup that doesnt smear on your face no matter how much you sweat its amazing...not that i will even have water to sweat but you get my point...

Have one more leg day then get to see my leg development as I start to cut water....I have been drinking 2 gallons well trying but now it needs to be by force...this week is going to be busy and with working 3 of 5 days i hope it will not be too stressful...

Going to get some pics today so yall can see where I am at.... I am at 129lbs as of yesterday woohoo....

the only way to go now is up!

Ahem Leg Day.....

wow yall....

today i blew this shit out the water....I mean i feel really good about the experience, we did 600LB on the leg press, now i will tell yall..looking at the weight made me sick but when I just pushed it out not very far deep but just more than I thought it just came...along with pain but it is so amazing.

It makes me more excited...showing folks all this hard work...all this exhaustion frustration...it can only get better!

So starting sunday...7 days going... man all i can say is where the hell did the time go??? ummm hello time...why u moving so fast...

well its here..and I am just hanging man...got my new plan and am trying to imagine my life without water....and I cant lol...you dont miss things until you are "directed" to not have it ...so only time will tell...

I am nervous as hell yall..like feeling like i wanna crap bricks.... but I think it will go over naturally...i specifically ask my hubby to sit close during judging just so i could see his goofy smiling face and press through... then Zoa will be there, Anne my trainer... its going to be good times... I am ready for the experience...

Still a bit moody and hoping my period dont show during the show or prior to .... guess it happened to one woman at some point but what can you do... Aunt Flow do what the hell she want...lol ...I say bring it on..cuz Ima work through it like everything else..hahaha...

anyway just dropping a line....

A week and a half to go.....

Today the workload just got bigger and I had to push back to a later time, had a late work out with shoulders got a nice burn and did some back...

Crazy how folks size me up, literally, like a person of my height shouldnt be so strong, I represent small folks of all ages creeds whatever...mess with one lol....yall know the rest...

I start making them crazy faces at them cats when I am working out... they dont stare no more..hahaha...

Anyway starting to see crazy veins everywhere looking like a dayum crackhead or feeling like I am one of the X men mutating and shyt...its crazy weird but it must be a good sign of progress

Did legs Monday and Anne dayum near made me puke my guts out, it was on the edge but stayed, tommorow is 2nd leg day...

Baby jesus please dont let this woman kill me lol at least keep my food down hahah...its all good, she is awesome, just amazing to me I love her to death...

Just writing this before bed, I aint been able to sleep cuz of "nerves' got my sleepy time tea and see what happens... excited to see the stage side of all this ...I hear it is breathtaking well not in a sick way but great stuff!

talk to yall later after legs.....

oh btw got my wig today for the show excited to be unbeweavable but long as it is clipped and locked down tight should be clear for take off...not the wig yall...lol

Gah well...I tried..

Well tried the video blogging thing...the issue is finding time to get in front of the camera and have my mind in the right place...ahh well maybe off season journal ehh??

Anyway today marks 2 weeks out...till Aug 5th, went through posing practice , and mandatories again, and again...yea AGAIN... checking conditioning, so finding my level of comfort and making sure I dont get deer in headlight look in case I cramp up or something may go wrong...

I bought all my gear today, dark sheets, dark clothes etc...ready for tanning all that stuff so on track...2 leg days mon and wed left then we move on to the final week....I am exhausted and I can almost tell the point when I need to eat because I dayum near feel like I am falling out or bout to fall out... so I gotta stay on track this week...still going to work...and took 2nd and 3rd off for tanner so my uniforms dont get ruined....


excuse my french but this is some tough shyt man....it is unbelivable I am surviving because I am holding on tight...but man I want to sleep, exercising is exhausting and days just running together...

but I am seeing it through, this holds so much weight for me that I refuse not to be ready , or have some retarded excuse as to why I cant hell....but the temptation is there...but for what....

I hope to get a few entries in this blog during the week but we shall see.... gonna get plenty of rest because I failed miserably at that over the weekend and Zoa told my ass...get some sleep...but I felt like i was missing out on "life" and going to events and wound up going to bed late and get less thann 5 hrs....i know i know...but I am going to make sure i am in the bed at least 830....

since I dont know if i will have time to sit and write things...just want to say that this has been a tranformation of myself mentally physically and spiritually that this has taken me through... I have gained determination, confidence and courage in my abilities and have found inspiration in others to keep moving forward... I couldnt have made a better choice with this sport and want to continue but either way I am a better woman, wife and Airman" for it....there is no going back....

This competition is gonna be fun just as a first timer, and it being small time... but a great deal to me ...not to mention my husband will have in hand after the show my "treat" of choice...DULCE LECHE CHEESECAKE!! and maybe a cap full of champagne (I am a lightweight now )

if that aint a goal i dont know what is but hell motivation it is for me!

Its Sunday almost 10 pm Japan time, (dont hurt me Zoa) i am going to bed lol...

but I wanted to talk to yall before this week starts in case I dont get to write but definitely will at least friday night to see where I am at....

Talk to yall soon!

Video Blog 3 weeks

Started one today check me out.....

3 week progress pictures....

Okinawa Tan is a doozy ....so tired here but keeping yall in the loop....

looking better in comparision....and I am posing alot better than 3 weeks ago!

6 weeks/3 weeks

Yeah UHHHHHH....

I just feel bleh today and working out feels completely like I am turned off by it...I went to bed early (like 10 if that is early) last night and set alarm since I stared eating late for my last meal...dayum near burnt the house down cooking cuz I went into deep sleep mode but all is well...up early again not feeling refreshed at all but got a long day ahead with practice and workouts.... trying to dig but the "well" feels like it is running dry.... I dont wanna take another dayum pill or drink more supplements ...or cook more chicken ...I dont want to explain to anyone else why i do this or how i do this I just want to crawl in the corner...or go somewhere with no people around because I been feeling like I cant get any time to myself period...


Feeling lighter this morning, my scale is broken so i have nothing to go on right now, going to hit the store and get a better digital one...since they had a"strike" there yesterday and they closed everything on base related to this company...

Feeling like this I been trying to NOT get myself into trouble at work with my attitude and being moody....but I cant help it...just picking the wrong days to be asking questions but I restrain.because I love the AF and my career and the ppl i workwith and I also enjoy getting PAID alot more! My Mentor talked me "off the ledge" so to speak...she is so awesome..her name is Melisa....just very sweet mother/sisterish and she knows me at work better than anybody so she didnt have a pity party she basically told me I got 2 weeks to pull out the best and then I can enjoy the "fruits of my labor"...nice to have support because its so easy to have a pity party... and not move forward with the goal...

I am SO CLOSE...like 3 weeks from this shyt and it just feels harder and harder...and mentally I am trying to pull myself together and focus...

but HELL.....i just I dont know...hope i dont sound crazy but I vent here because yall understand...

Say it with me..... DREA YOU NEED TO SEE THIS THING THROUGH, YOU WILL SEE THIS THING THROUGH AND GIVE IT YOUR BEST EVERYTHANG (YES THANG) YOU GOT... AND JUST A BIT MORE....NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU FEEL LIKE GIVING UP....

alright back to the GYM!

5 minutes to myself finally....!!!

hey yall,

wow been a whole week and it feels like so much more time has passed, since my husband came back I dont get time to update not to mention since I got promoted my workload has increased x a million as I expected....I am soooo tired this morning.... and I only have short time to write before I leave from my unit exercise.....so almost to the 3 week mark and these last few lbs are being a "bytch" excuse my language and of course the scale is messing with me too...today it "died" on me and it was giving me two different weights...the same and lower...so not sure.... but i increased water intake...busting ass on cardiio...so I am just going to let it be what its going to be. I have been trying to get plenty of rest but my husband manages to take last of my energy for some "bow chika wow wow" and I "perform" somehow awake or asleep lol...

Right now I am going for wearing the emerald green suit on competition day but the bottoms may be too small....and dont want to expose more ass than what is already out...so I am having my brother send me another pair from the states since they dont ship to APO....its been quick so it should get here but I really like the green over the burgundy and it is not too bright for my skin color...I am nervous as shit every day it gets close ...because some of my unit is going to be there but glad because they are there....very supportive...

well my mind just went blank so off to PT and talk to yall later... holla!

The "training" wheels came off today....

I just realize the title is kind of pun.....lol made me laugh...I am sleepy and delirous right now lol
Anywayyyyy

Haayy yall...

had a greaaatttt tiring leg day today! As a beginner I never understood why intensity mattered or why my mind had to be there in lifting or whatever and I was paranoid about not being able to workout without my trainer because I just knew I would screw it up...but the reality is they (Zoa and Anne) taught me how to do this on my own and I am so happy just to be able to have this ability...I leg pressed as much as I could without injury about 300 lb two legs alone and felt the same pain Anne gives me maybe a little less haha ....and I am happy (yes weird) but I just have been going through this learning learning thing and I just feel excited when the "lightbulb" finally comes on...its motivating... not to mention I practiced my routine after over and over and focused on getting thoses poses down like clockwork.... I want to make my trainers proud... sort of a pay it forward because they dedicate themselves to me ...I feel like I want to do it for them too.... 4 weeks as of tommorow...I am pumped...I am going to be ready....and there is definitely no turning back! Woohoo!


the only thing frustrating is the scale still at 132... got bout 6 or 7 lbs to lose still but Zoa said dont worry so I am not going to worry.... especially seeing a vein in my shoulders when i was squating today...freakishly coool lol....it felt like I was hulking it on the smith machine..much grunting as i was doing but I dont care anymore! lol...I am suffering hear me roar lol...

Oh check out the suits...wut yall think green or red.???

Lifestyle Change is obtainable if you want it bad enough...

The past few months have been a blur of exhaustion, frustration, anxiety..etc.. and today I think daily I am asked how did I get here...How do I lose the weight..what can they do better...and at this point even when I start saying what my dieting consists of sometimes its one ear and out the other.... but I believe that I just will tell people the bottom line for this sport or any type of goal in LIFE is the will and DESIRE to WANT to change your lifestyle...not for your husband, not for your kids but for YOU.... the reason I continue on is because it feels good for me, it is good for me and it makes me happy...now I only want to inspire people to want it for themselves...not because its so miraculous but the fact is it can be done.... I am doing it...and taking it day by day...and having people who are supportive is amazing to me....My entire unit believes that I can do this ..are pushing me daily and I couldnt be more blessed to have these people behind me... It is amazing feeling and I just want it last as long as possible...

I am not the greatest Christian but I do believe higher power and that God is smiling on me daily.... couldnt be more happier!